Pandemic pie

from Adrienne Porter Felt

Apr 16, 2020, 5:57:42 AM

Strawberry rhubarb pie season is finally here! What better way to mark the changing season than a sweet but tart pie? The pie’s sweetness celebrates summer sunshine, and the tartness reminds you that you have not been outside in a while.

Recipe for pandemic pie (1 serving)

  1. Dress like a beekeeper and go to the store. Act like everyone around you has angry bees coming out of their mouths. Purchase strawberries and rhubarb from the mouth-bee people.

  2. Preheat oven to 350*F.

  3. Different stalks of rhubarb have wildly different levels of tartness. Based on the color of the stalks, the number of days since your partner last shaved, and your current level of anxiety, estimate how much sugar this recipe needs. (If you struggle with this step, try 1/4 cup sugar.)

  4. Slice three cups of rhubarb and four cups of strawberries. Juice a lemon. Measure out 1 Tbsp of corn starch.

  5. Wash your child’s hands. This will take 10 minutes. At the end, he will be naked and you will be dripping with soapy water.

  6. Ask your child to mix all the prepared ingredients together in a large mixing bowl.

  7. Emotionally prepare yourself to make a pie crust.

  8. Realize you currently have the emotional constitution of a small dog. The kind that is always terrified that someone is about to step on it, even though no one ever has. Give up on the pie crust.

  9. This is now a crumble, bitch. Pour the fruit mixture into a greased baking dish.

  10. Warm 1/4 cup of butter. Wash your child’s hands, again. Ask him to mix the butter with some granola you found in your cupboard. Cereal, oats, or flour would work, too. Sprinkle it on top of the fruit mixture.

  11. Put it in the oven.

  12. At exactly twenty-two minutes, your child will tell you that he does not like strawberry rhubarb pie. He has never had it before, but he does not like it, and he would prefer a pumpkin pie.

  13. After another eighteen minutes of explaining that you cannot make a second, better pie, take the crumble out of the oven.

  14. Your son will proudly announce that he made this delicious pie. You will worry that he’s going to grow up and take credit for women’s hard work at the office. You set this problem aside for later, like after he learns how to read.

  15. Eat your strawberry-rhubarb crumble directly out of the pan while standing in your kitchen in damp clothes. No one has to know.

You may substitute the strawberries with turnips, or the rhubarb with sardines, or the lemon juice with gravy. I know you were going to do it anyway, and I give you my blessing. Let me know how it goes.